Men

Just cuz.....

Scares the Sh*t out of Me

I work in a pharmacy. All day long I hand prescription drugs to morbidly obese people. The list is predictable and unique to the morbidly obese. It's scarey to think that given too many long session with my fork, without sufficient thought could lead me to join their ranks. From my work station I look to my right at the pharmacists. They are a diverse group. One of the few traits that they share is that they are all lean. They have had the sh*t scared out of them too. I consider myself warned. I am warned every day that I work. Who knows, I may end up on a tank of oxygen and hobbling on bad knees, but I promise myself that it won't be because I lacked the self control to set down my fork and push myself away from the table. Like my daughter, I'm taking back control of my life and choosing to live responsibly. It takes practice and deterimination, but I'm gettin' it. At last.

There is Madness to My Method.

So.....
Talked with Rox the other day and it's decided! I will run my first full marathon with her, hopefully with her coaching and encouragement. After a little bit of thought I decided to do this on her side of the country and make a real vacation out of it. No small matter that the elevations there is lower, which will give me maximum benefit from my training (here at 3600 ft). I recall what a treat it was running in South Korea when I was there. Sea level is glorious!!
I will be getting a few more half marathons under my belt this year here in MT then when the time comes, off to PA for the real deal.

Hey look at this!!!

Yesterday we went to see Bill's new RA specialist in Great Falls. She spent over 2 hours with him going over every detail of his RA and gave him a very detailed physical exam. By the end of it she had changed up his treatment plan significantly and given him some "in office" treatment to his right hand consisting of 4 cortizone injections. She said it was an experiment. If his condition in his hand improved over the next few days she could help his over all condition with medication. If not, then that would mean that the RA was irreversible and he would just have to cope with it.
Long story short: 9 hours after his injections he raised his hand up in a fist (something he hasn't been able to do in years) and said "Hey look at this!" It means great hope that his stiffness and pain will see some significant improvement under the care of this fabulous Dr. She has warned us that it will take several month to see maximum benefit from the new meds, but that's fine. I'm happy, Bill is happy and this is a darn good thing that has happened.

I will rest when I'm dead.

I rode my bike 35 miles today before noon. This left plenty of time to mow the lawn...got that done. Now I'm here layin' on the couch enjoying the lazy days of summer. But, hmmmm, there this little thought in my mind that I might like to spend a little time at the golf course later this after noon. It's a bit of a dilema. Should I go full speed ahead and fill my life full to the maximum at the price of being exhausted? Or......should I just lay here on my good ole couch and "give it a rest". Either way I pay a price. I can exhaust myself or I can feel all of those awful feelings of regret that I'm wasting precious time doing NOTHING! Ugh, can't stand it. I seriously think that exhaustion is the better choice. As a wise friend of mine once said, "I'll rest when I'm dead".

Old Men Piss me Off

It isn't just the hot flashes that are making this trip through menopause such a great time, it's also the attitude. Old men Piss me off!! Gawd!!!!!! Back when my hormones were not on a rampage I used to beable to blowoff the B.S. of an arrogant, sexist, hideously stupid man. But now.....oh no, not now. I just want to squash them under the heal of my shoe like of bug. This is the darker side of menopause. If some day I rip my shirt off in the presense of a man, believe me it is not because I'm irresistably attracted to him. It's because I'm having the hot flash from hell....straight from the bowells of the Evil One. I may need an exorcist before this is over.

Son of a Gun Detours

Well, I'm back from one Son of a Gun Detour!
A week ago I had labs...again.....for the hundreth time. A few day ago my results came to me by mail. Every single solitary value on that report has me within normal/healthy range. This is the first time since the cancer that my labs have reflected totally fabulous health. I took one heck of a detour getting here, but Here I Am.
Today I stopped by the Dollar Store and bought a picture frame (for a dollar). The world can laugh all it wants, but I am going to frame those lab results and hang them on the wall in my bedroom. It has taken a lot of determination to get back to my starting point.
It's a celebration to have arrived.

So, this is golf?

Lessons, time on the driving range and finally today my first 9 holes of golf on the par 3 course. I came home with muddy knees from crawling to the edge of a water hazard to fish out my beautiful, newly purchased, hot pink golf ball. Oh, what fun! One of my incredible shots with a 9 iron somehow became a pop fly and nearly beaned me on it's decent. Seriously, this is really fun!!!!! If I wanted to be a serious golfer I should have started 40 years ago. It is my good fortune that I have no desire whatsoever to be taken seriously as a golfer. Having fun out there is my priority. And I did. I really did.

Oh what Freedom

Oh what freedom cancer has given me.
I read somewhere that dogs live in the NOW. They don't worry about the future. They don't feel anger or regret about yesterday. All that is for a dog is NOW. There is great freedom in that, I have found. Although I have not mastered this as completely as the average canine, I do live in the Now so much more that I did before cancer. When a cancer diagnosis robs you of the certainty of future, what is left? What's left is Now. The very next question upon realizing this is, 'What should I/can I do with NOW? My search for the answer was an immediate Live Now, Love Now, Laugh Now and Be my most genuine self NOW. I fell into this mode so completely and immediately after diagnosis. The result was the most genuine sense of joy I've ever experienced. In the middle of my greatest trauma I found my deepest sense of happiness.
I can't remember what it is to live the other way. I'm flying by the seat of my pants these days and living in the Now. Not so much has changed in the choices I make for each day. What has changed so dramatically is my perspective....my experience of those choices.
I feel like it took half a century to finally "get it". Cancer got me to that point. Surviving it will not allow me to turn the page back to "before".